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Bacon: One American’s Outrage

This post comes from Chris Perrin, who writes at Blog Well Done. One evening on twitter, Chris offered to write a guest post and I invited him to pick something he might not write for his own site. A few days later, Chris sent me this piece, convincing me that the simple instruction to 'write something you wouldn't post at your place' was a great way to elicit marvelous guest posts. When you are done reasing, stop by Blog Well Done and encourage Chris in antics like Fantasy Top Chef.

The following public service announcement comes to you from Blog Well Done and good, God fearing Americans everywhere.

There’s a threat out there, lurking in the grocery store and hiding in the hearts, refrigerators and arteries of American citizens.  It’s more disruptive to American values than even health care reform, which can only cause all of us to be happier and healthier.  Read my lips, no good will come of it.

But back to the matter at hand.  Some call this threat I speak of a silent killer.  Some find it thoroughly addictive.  Some call it delicious, delicious pork fat.  Everyone calls it: bacon.

That’s right bacon.

But you say, how can bacon be a threat?

(Really?  You’re asking that?)  To begin answering this question, let’s examine what bacon is, shall we?  Bacon is nothing more than salt and fat and the thinnest excuses of pork meat.  Let us not forget the nitrates and the preservatives!  So healthy, bacon ain’t.  (Though apparently they have cloned bacon and called it turkey bacon, which can be made crispy in the microwave.)

Bacon is a pure hedonistic pleasure with little to no nutritional value (though it’s actually not a terrible source of protein).  Last I checked, this country was founded on good, hardworking Puritan values like chastity and moderation.  Think about it!  Did you see the forefathers eating bacon? 

If this trend of personal pleasure continues, we’ll have entertainment stars taking racy pictures of themselves and dressing immodestly.  Teenagers will be imbibing alcoholic drinks after dark and there will be truancy.  TRUANCY.

Think I’m kidding.  They ate bacon back in the Roman days.  (They called it Guanciale.)   Do you see any Romans running around?  I think not.  Apparently, people ate it as far back as 1500 BC.  You don’t see any of those people running around, do you?  You’re 0-2 bacon!

Still, nearly everyone loves bacon.  When “Why do you love bacon?” was asked on the Internet, it elicited near orgasmic exultation.  People shared how much they love bacon and its saltiness, the way it adds balance to dishes, the bold tastes it imparts anything it is mixed with, and the pleasant things one can do with it.  Examples of this epicurean behavior include sauces, sandwiches, salads, pizzas, and burgers.  Not to mention bacon ice cream, bacon vodka, and bacon salt.  Yes, salt plus bacon.  Gah!

Think you want to make a terrific sauce?  Render some bacon before sautéing any vegetables, then remove the bacon, leaving the fat behind.  Then follow the recipe!  Your sauce will have a deep, meaty taste you can’t get from beef alone.  BUT NOT ON MY WATCH.  NO SIREE BOB!

The real kicker?  Bacon has even invaded Country Kitchens across our nation’s heartland.  There, they add it to everything, including boiled cabbage.  I’ve got my eye on you Commie Kitchen.

I think the very fact everyone agrees they love it so much is proof there’s something diabolic afoot.  Normally, culinary questions elicit debate and impassioned pleas for one point or the other.  Yet, all questions about bacon elicit only euphoria and links to the Bacon Explosion!  Tragic and terrible.

Lastly, o gentle reader, if you don’t think bacon is a plague on American values, consider what one person on Twitter said.  “I'd sell both my parents, uncle, & my grandmother. Plus both my godparents.”  Scandalous.  Even worse, I’ve heard it called the food of the gods.  The gods!  Can this heresy go on?

Good citizens.  The power rests with you.  You can give into your cravings for delicious pork, maybe say a chicken stuffed with cheese and bacon, or you can leave it all behind and join me for a nice mug of boiled cabbage.  Yes, boiled cabbage.  And I’ll take mine without bacon, thank you very much Country Kitchen!

My broken arm is healing slower than expected and I'm making some changes around here: guest bloggers are one of them. Got something you want to say about food, but not on your blog? Want to try a different voice or a rant instead of a recipe? Leave a comment or drop me a note: kitchenmage (at) gmail (dot) com.

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