kitchenmage

Martha, Martha, Martha... (updated)

(source: twitter)

Yes, it's a real tweet. Barking spies...not to be confused with barking spiders...

Theories in comments, please.

edited 4.13.14 to add, the WTF is apparently contagious...

(source: twitter)

How Loggers Open Lagers

Just in time for America's annual burn meat and blow things up week, opening beer with manly tools.

I wonder how many beers were sacrificed while he learned this.

ps-thanks to Brian from Awesomeography for the title upgrade.

 

Friday Fun: A Few Of My Favorite Things

I have written a dozen intros to this and don't like any of my explanations. Let's just say that a Friday during the official buying holiday season is not a good time to watch what passes for conversation online. Every other photo on my twitter timeline is a free thing someone was given (without disclosing the free part) and there's a constant stream of giveaways and gift guides that consist of things the blogger got gratis to review.

Then someone said they missed Oprah's favorite things and my inner cynic grabbed the keyboard from my better angels and started typing furiously...when you sing along in your head (and you will) pick a blogger or two to imagine singing it. I know I do.

A Few of a Blogger's Favorite Things (with apologies to pretty much everyone)

Readers who love me in comments that leghump,
Tweets from a big blog that gives traffic a bump,
Videos proving I really can't sing,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Junkets and coupons and samples from brands,
Posting a photo I made with my hands,
Hanging with people who think I'm a king,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Snitfits on twitter and long sullen flounces,
Having a baby so web traffic bounces,
Home from a conference all piled up with bling,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the twit snarks,
When the troll strikes,
When my traffic's sad,
I simply republish my favorite things,
Then I don't whine so bad.

disclaimer: This isn't about anyone in particular. Really. If you think it's about a blogger you love, discuss their bad behavior with them, not me. If you think it's about you, trust me, it's not.

Padma Lakshmi May Have a New Gig

Apparently, Padma has a new gig as the Stepford Vampire on True Blood.

No?

You sure? This photo has that scary undead-dead-eye thing going on.

The truly sad thing is that this is a barely adapted real ad from the Top Chef / Bravo on crack PR people. The only changes were cropping, and a swap of text and the color of the chocloate/blood on her arm.

It's a "For Your Consideration" (Please, We Beg of You, PLEASE Give Us An Emmy) ad designed to sell the Emmy people on Padma as a...host, I guess...since that's the category.

Bravo, I do NOT want to lick that spoon. The majority of your viewers are probably also disinclined to lick that spoon. Hell, even Padma does not want to lick that spoon, although, according to Urban Dictionary, that expression may indicate that she has, in fact, licked that spoon well and good.

Since it's 2012 and we are all equal and stuff, where's Tom Colicchio's money shot? Yeah, that's what I thought. It's also why food is still a feminst issue.

399 moments of zen

It's like printing...with water...in midair.

As I said to someoneElse, "Japan gets all the cool sh*t." He corrected me, "Japan MAKES all the cool sh*t." (Though in this case, it's German artist Julius Popp.)

In either case, this is one of the best things I have seen in a while. Relaxing. Great use of technology. Enjoy!

Best Job Ad Ever! Miso Soup Stirrer

Every so often you run across something that is so marvelous that commentary is superflous. (I pasted in the entire ad because Craig's List stuff disappears.)

I'm in need of a shiromiso soup stirrer for part-time work. Japanese Miso soup consists of softened miso paste suspended in a hot stock called "dashi." While the miso paste easily mixes with the dashi, in time it will settle and separate. My personal preference is to enjoy a mixed (stirred) miso soup, where the paste clouds the bowl. What I'm looking for is someone (male, female and transgendered are welcome) to stand beside my table during meals and stir my miso soup so that the bowl remains cloudy while I am enjoying other delicacies. (note: miso soup is not the only thing I eat)

You will be informed (via mobile phone) where my next meal will be. You will arrive in uniform an hour ahead of my own entrance and await me in the foyer or by the hostess' stand. You will accompany my party and I to our seats and you will stand beside my table and stir my soup once it has arrived. Using subtle hand signals, I will direct you to stir the soup along the side of the table. When I am ready to eat it, a signal will inform you to place the soup in front of me. While I am eating my soup, you will stand where you were stirring, making sure that the utensil you were using does not touch the table, or any other object. If I stop eating soup, you will stir the remainder. If I am done with my soup you will remain at attention in case I order more. When the meal is over, you will leave and await your next contact.

You and I will not speak for the duration of the meal, yet my guests may at times wish to engage you in conversation. You may converse with them, but you will only speak when spoken to. Eye contact with me is unadvised.

Dear Mathematicians, Hands off our pie!

I read the news this morning and ran into an extremely disturbing article.

Mathematicians Want to Say Goodbye to Pi

"I know it will be called blasphemy by some, but I believe that pi (sic) is wrong." mathematician Bob Palais

Given my public cupcake hate, I feel almost hypocritical coming to the defense of pie, but this is just plain wrong.

When I saw the headline, I wondered Why do math geeks have to attack pie? (Note that they call themselves by the formal title of mathematicians, it should have been my first BIG hint. Why the insistence on dropping the 'e' from pie? Do they want to take away even the word for pie? The very idea of pie?

What did pie ever do to them? And does Kate McDermott know about this?

Worse, they want to replace pie with tau which totally confuses me. I see nothing at all in this list that looks tasty. Not even a bit. Tau is also the greek number 300, which is far too many slices for a single pie so any talk of using pie and tau together must be questioned.

Looking further, Google image search for 'tau' turns up mostly hostile looking guys, many with huge guns. They look pissed off. Like someone stole their pie. Or cut it into 300 itsybitsy pieces. A mathematician, I'd guess.

 

Speaking of images, check out this one, borrowed from wiki bits related to this. I approve of cutting the pie into only 8 slices. Big pie slices are marvelous and I am thrilled we're not talking about 300 slices anymore. But what's with the rolling thing? How does that help with serving the pie? I only imagine flying bits of fruit and crust. Do mathematicians not clean up their own mess, like men and kids in those paper towel ads with the ever present robotic spill-wiping mom...hmmm.

The entire idea seems absurd to me. Why would people want to get rid of pie? People love pie. Pie is as American as, well, apple pie. Can you imagine a group of patriotic citizens lining up to demand an end to pie? It's not like it's something truly evil, like chocolate milk.

Reading on, I may have found the problem. First, it's not an American. It's a mathematician from the UK. Just before Independence Day. Which we celebrate with pie. I think I may be getting closer to the truth now. (Guys, it's been over 200 years. Get over it!)

At one point, there is a bit of conciliatory talk, "there is no need for pi to be eradicated," (Kevin) Houston said. "You might say I'm not anti-pi, I'm pro-tau." He then goes on to claim that tau is more "natural" as if pie never occurs in nature. That is totally untrue. I eat pie in the garden all the time. (I'm sure Kate's got my back on pies being natural.)

A bit more digging turned up this gem, squirreled away in a UK web site where nobody would find it. Or so the anti-pieists hope.

'How much simpler it would be if we just used tau instead of pi,' Dr Houston added. 'The circle would have tau radians, a semicircle would have half tau, a quarter of a circle a quarter tau, and so on. You don’t have to think.'

'We should be changing the textbooks,' he insisted. 'It would be much simpler than the shift from imperial to metric. If we were to start teaching tau from the moment kids start maths, they would take to it straight away, as it’s more natural.'

"You don't have to think." "more natural" The fundamentalists always say that, don't they?

So are these anti-science mathematicians discouraging thinking? A British plot to force us to give up pie for this 'tau' along with a 'shift from imperial to metric'? (How cleverly that was slipped in!) Or are they simply confused and misled?

Sadly, while I love a good conspiracy theory, I think it is the latter. Simply put, pie scrambles their brains. My evidence? This is from the US article, where the press let this stunning revelation of the power of pie slide in:

"This means one quarter of a circle corresponds to half of pi. That is, one quarter corresponds to a half. That's crazy. Similarly, three quarters of a circle is three halves of pi."

What?

...one quarter equals a half and three quarters is three halves...

I think I understand now. Pie makes math hard. I mean, look at that. A quarter is a half? That means one is two. 1=2? Seriously?

Math geeks, back away from the sugar. It is clearly messing with your brains.

People, please join me in defending pie and making sure it is not eradicated from the planet by these nefarious 'mathematician' people. Make a pie, eat a pie, buy a pie. Better yet, take a mathematician out for pie. They sound like they could use a nice slice of pie.

Cuisinart Sightings!

The saga of the missing cuisinart goes on, with fresh sightings and more strange messages. Today brings two frightening images, each with its own brief note.

The first of these showed up early today.

1.28.11

So disoriented...not sure where I am but the people - if that's what they truly are - are scary. Wait! Don't put me there...I'll behave!

The accompanying photo, as well as another (more dire) delivery later in the day, after the jump.

Have You Seen This Cuisinart?

update here: Cuisinart Sightings

A small piece of plastic flew off my food processor as I made oat flour one January night leaving me with half-ground oats and plastic shards as well as a huge hole in my necessary kitchen appliances. I would rant about that more but my trusty Cuisinart was a quarter of a century old and that's a darned good investment in basic kitchen gear.

During those 25 years, my Cuis' went from labor-saving device to necessity after repetitive stress injuries and a horribly broken arm. A dead food processor called for a replacement; no questions asked.

After a wee bit of research, it was obvious that, if I wanted my investment in blades to be useful, I had but one choice. Like a good denizen of the web, I one-clicked my way to a shiny new toy, no questions asked.

Well, one question must now be asked...

Happy New Year from Lunch Lady Land!

I debated posting this, sure that Farley's portrayal of the lunch lady would offend someone. My trepidation was assuaged by the number of schools that posted video of their lunch ladies performing in a cover skit of the song.

Happy New Year, everyone!